Monday, November 28, 2011

The SteamWorks: Breaking Dawn Part One Review (Rated PG-13)

Hey Gang,

So I had a pretty nice holiday weekend overall, and I really hope you did as well. I went Black Friday shopping at the local mall, and it honestly wasn't that bad (however I did hear about that $2 Walmart Riot down South ... nasty...). I went to my Great Grandmother's 94th Birthday Party (yeah ... she's old), and at 11:00 P.M. my mom and my sister took me against my will to see Breaking Dawn Part One. So I thought it might be a good topic to add to my  small but growing review collection. So here ... we ... go:


From minute one (when Jacob takes off his shirt for the first time), I was already bitter about the movie. It seemed like they were baiting women to come see this movie with trim teens taking their clothes off ( women of all ages, mind you ... an average 50 year old woman cannot resist Jacob's abs, as we've all learned from these movies). Now before I move on from here, I'd like to point out that I've read the books, and when it was "cool" to like Twilight (that lasted for about two years). Heck, I even had my own Cullen wrist band like the ones the characters had. I'm getting off point, but I will address some of that later in the post...

So the beginning (the beginning being after the wedding) was basically a porno. 'Nuff said. It was a bunch of different romantic scences from the honeymoon and them having sex every two seconds (meanwhile, both of them are still being as creepy and awkward as ever). It's not until Bella throws up and finds out she's pregnant that things get a bit more interesting. This is when it becomes a REAL movie.

From this point on, the movie improved by at least ten fold. The plot got a bit more interesting, emotions were constantly flowing, and it left the viewers wanting more. Of course, there were some scences that were key points in the movie that were completely screwed up (for instance, when Jacob leaves his pack to protect Bella... it just wasn't done well at all. I felt like I was watching the freaking Lion King). But it seriously started to become better at this point, we weren't focused on how many abs Jacob had, we weren't focused on how beautiful Edward's face was, but we were actually focused on PLOT (Gasp!). In fact, if memory serves, I don't believe anyone appeared shirtless for the rest of the film (if they did, it wasn't for long at all).

The end of the movie is when it changed it's progression yet again (this seems to be my favortie part in the film because it made me want to vomit so much; Saw fans, this will be the highlight of the movie for you). It's not accurarte to say that the movie necessarily turns bad here, but it certainly gets extremely disgusting. In fact, I'd like to warn you: If you're squeamish and don't like seeing surgeries, blood, insides, corpses, or anything of the sort, you might want to think twice about seeing this movie, or at least sticking around until the end.

The whole thing's kicked off by Bella dropping her Styrofoam cup of blood (ok, so you might need some backstory to understand that, but I'll let you figure that out on your own if you're reading this review without having AT LEAST read the book). She bends over to pick it up, and she breaks her hip. Now, not only is this true to the books, but it makes sense; she's carrying this huge baby who constantly abuses her body and made her basically anerexic. But what makes me angry is, the vampires don't freak out over the blood. They haven't had blood in DAYS. They should be freaking thirsty. She also looks a bit awkward in this particular shot, which, on top of Bella's regular awkward, breaks the Awkward-Meter.

Immeadiately, they start operating on Bella to get the baby out. Now, in the book, they explain why the baby needs to be removed. But in the movie it's like they just decided the baby needed to go. Of course, the most experienced of the Cullen Clan in the medical field cannot be there at the moment, so they're forced to star on another episode of Home Surgery. Rosalie starts hacking Bella's stomach open like it's a freaking snow-cone, when suddenly, she decides the blade looks tasty. She attempts to lick it, but Alice decides no blood for Rosalie.

So ... someone ... please explain to me why Rosalie doesn't freak out over the cup of spilt blood that was in the other room less than five minutes ago? She was perfectly fine then. Why, all of the sudden, does she get the rumblies for blood?


So now we're left with Edward and Jacob (and obviously Bella) in the operating room, and instead of using the knife that Rosalie was using, Edward decides it would be more efficiant to chomp down with his freaking Vampire teeth....


Am I the only one that finds that ... I don't know ... DISTURBING?!

So he continues to chow down into Bella's uterus (you can actually see her intestines spilling out of her body at this point), when suddenly Edward pulls out the crying baby. He romantically says how it's Renesme (or however the strange name is spelled), and that it's not in fact a boy like they thought for the past few months (that's another thing I was angry about; they didn't really show how Bella imagined bearing a baby Edward, which got me a bit pissed, quite frankly,because it was a highlight of what exactly kept her going). Bella snuggles her baby for a bit, like every good mom does, when suddenly she just dies. Poof. Gone.

And WHAT is Edward doing?

He's just starring ... at her dead body. Just staring for about a minute...

So finally when he realizes that Bella's dead, he takes this giant-ass needle out of a cabinet and STABS her heart with it. Note I did not say he injects her with its contents. HE FREAKING STABS HER! All the while, Jacob's telling Edward how he's freaking dumb and how his life is going to suck now because he killed his wife (turns out that tends to make people sad ... who knew?). Edward continues to resuscitate Bella's dead body in hopes of spreading the Vampire Venom while her dead body flops on the hospital cot like a fish out of water...

I'd also like to point out that I had to walk out of the movie theater for a minute in the midst of all this because I was completely disgusted and felt the need to vomit on all the people below me...

After a battle with the hunky werewolves, the gorgeous vampires suddenly decide to leave Bella's mutating body on a bed in the middle of this randomly empty room. The movie ends with Edward waiting by the bed, and Bella's newly red eyes shooting open.

In all honesty ... the movie is a great improvement to the series of movies that were its predessecor. We saw less gun shows and more story telling, which was a great change coming from a guy's perspective of Twilight.

I'd also like to discuss why it has become "uncool" to enjoy Twilight and why I honestly think all the reasons are completely ridiculous, the main one being that it's "gay". So you're telling me that it's gay to enjoy a troubled romance, however it's not gay to watch two men duke it out in spandex tights rolling around on the floor in wrestling? Could someone provide me with that explanation? Just because some middle-aged moms come out solely for that, it doesn't mean everyone's there for that (I think Chazz from Shatterblog! might have talked about that in his Invader Zim post). Some people are simply there to enjoy the story.

I mean, think about it; how cool would it be to be a Twilight vampire? Ok, so maybe sparkling isn't so cool; but I'd take a ripped body, super speed, and super powers over a being a normal person any day. And I get to drink people's blood. How much more awesome could there be? Every day life is so boring. Wouldn't it be great to just escape from it? No? I must be gay or dumb then...

The only explanation I can see to someone's argument to not like Twilight is not liking a Romance Novel. In case anyone hasn't told you yet, Twilight is a Romance. Although it tries to mix in some action here and there, it simply is, at its core, a romance between a vampire and a human. Saying the book is poorly written isn't an excuse because, in all honesty, they aren't. Sure, they may not be the best books, and sure, they may be written on an elementary or high-school level, but it's purpose is to reach people of that age. This book is intended for teens, not people looking for some highly philosophical meaning (Doesn't this sound familiar). Just because it isn't the best writing doesn't mean the story is bad, and in the case that you don't like the writing, contact Meyer's editor please.

And don't even try to tell me that Twilight is too mainstream. If you're one of those "hipsters" that enjoys disliking everything that's popular, do yourself a favor and get over yourself (By the way, for the hipsters out there, liking Twilight is hipster now). So don't even bother talking if that's why you dislike the story, because that's not even a real reason.

Although I'm not the biggest fan of Twilight anymore, there's still a tiny part of me that enjoys the movies and the books. It helped me a lot when transitioning from my childhood to my teen years, and it will hold a special place it in my heart.

Final thoughts: While Breaking Dawn, Part One wasn't necessarily the best movie I've ever seen, it certainly wasn't the worst. The filmmakers realized that it's not all about hunky werewolves and sexy vampires; rather, its about the story that this poor human Bella Swan tends to get wrapped into. It's taken a pretty big step from its counter-parts, all its gore aside. I give it a 8/10.

Peter, The SteamWorks

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