Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Resident Troll: Things That Shouldn't Exist

Guess what I found out today? There's a list of superheroes fans apparently most want to have sex with.


I saw a few posts about it on Tumblr, all condemning the list, so I knew going in that it was going to be awful. Then... well, ugh. It's a collection of objectification, misogyny, and just stupid. After reading this list, I have strange insight into James Gunn's sexual life and fantasies, and I just... don't need that in my life. If I could unknow anything? That would be it. And perhaps a certain conversation that made me consider jumping out of Chazz's car while it was still moving.

So let's look at the commentary, and the real gems, yeah?
Catwoman: This supervillain turned anti-hero has been making my penis feel funny since I was four years old and saw Julie Newmar playing her on TV. 
What? I don't need to know about your sexual awakening. I don't think you penis can feel funny at four years old. You don't know how to comprehend quadrilaterals at four years old, so why the fuck could you comprehend sexuality?
Gambit: My girlfriend voted for this Cajun fruit. I think she’s looking to have a devil’s three way with the two of us. The idea of my balls slapping against Gambit’s makes me sick to my stomach, but I can’t deny the fellow’s pure HEAT, as he yet again placed so high on this list, despite being male and in the presence of so many A-listers. Wolverine and Superman may beat him in sales, but it’s who the ladies love that really matters, and Gambit is the Galactus of Cock!
Honestly, sounds like you're a little pissed that your girlfriend voted for him. And a little racist. And what the fuck, Galactus of Cock?
Emma Frost: What I love about Emma is the practical attire she wears while adventuring. Certainly, if I were a woman fighting giant monsters I’d want to wear some awesome breast-mushing halter top, a pair of panties, and thigh highs. That stuff would never get in the way. For those men who love rude bitches, the White Queen is number one.
Gunn was making sense (albeit body policing, but making sense) and then he called Emma Frost a rude bitch. Yes, go ahead and trivialize one of the greatest psychics in X-Men, simply because of her attire and attitude.
She-Hulk: As you might guess by my 4’9″ real life girlfriend, the giantess fantasy isn’t my thing. But, if I ever were in the mood to be dominated and treated like a little bitch, by someone who is green, then She-Hulk would almost certainly be the way to go.
I have so many problems with this one. First of all, this guy has a real life girlfriend. Holy shit, he has a real life girlfriend!!!!!! And he had to clarify that she was real and living, which must be pretty hard to find when you're a dipshit. (Too far? Oops.) To assume that a man who enjoys larger/stronger partners wishes to be "treated like a little bitch" is unfair, and not always true. It's okay if you don't like it, but it's not okay to be a dick.
Batwoman: This lesbian character was voted for almost exclusively by men. I don’t know exactly what that means. But I’m hoping for a Marvel-DC crossover so that Tony Stark can “turn” her. She could also have sex with Nightwing and probably still be technically considered a lesbian.

Just. No.

D'you know, in way too many countries, there's this thing called corrective rape? It's where men rape lesbians to 'fix' or 'turn' them straight. You just suggested that, James Gunn, when you said you hoped Tony Stark would 'turn' Batwoman. Either way, having sex with a man does not change a lesbian, and you're the freaking worst.
Tigress: For thirty-plus years Tigra has been consistently poorly-written, which means you’d probably have an easy time talking your way into her pants. Especially if you have a slight furry fetish, but aren’t totally willing to commit to it.
For thirty-plus rankings, this article has been consistently poorly-written. Good just at sticking true to that, at least, Mr. Gunn.
Stephanie BrownBeing a teen mom and all, you know she’s easy. Go for it.
Being a teen mom does not make her easy. It means she got pregnant when she was a teen.
 Spider-Woman: The whole time I’m fucking her I can’t get her face out of my mind as the skrull leader who tried to conquer the world. I know it’s not her fault, but I just can’t help it. So I finish on her face to help block out the painful memories. There. That’s better. I love you, Jessica.

Basically, go here and click the button a few times to understand how I feel about this.
The Flash: Many of the people who voted for the Flash were gay men. I have no idea why this is. But I do know if I was going to get fucked in the butt I too would want it to be by someone who would get it over with quick.
I really want to know where the statistics came from. Either way, thanks for insulting EVERY GAY MAN EVER. Good job.

So. That's a thing. And it should not exist. In conclusion: James Gunn is the worst. Honestly, I feel like every week there's a misogynist in comics, and James Gunn is the newest douche. I don't understand how Marvel could want him to write for anything, or how Joss Whedon of all people could endorse him. Sigh.

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